Blooming Wand

The Framework That Changed Everything: A Personal Journey with Boundaries

• Emily O'Neal • Season 3 • Episode 12

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Boundaries are the cornerstone of authentic self-care, yet many of us struggle to understand what they truly are and how to implement them effectively. Drawing from five years of readings, mentorship sessions, and moon-centered insights, this episode dives into why boundaries matter for your spiritual growth and everyday wellbeing.

The transformative definition from Prentice Hemphill frames boundaries as "the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously"—revealing them as acts of love rather than barriers. We explore common misconceptions, like the belief that people-pleasing is selfless when it's actually a controlling behavior that prevents authentic connection. Through practical examples and clear signals (feeling drained after interactions, saying yes when wanting to say no, carrying others' emotional weight), you'll learn to recognize when boundary work is calling to you.

The real breakthrough comes in understanding that boundary-setting isn't about finding perfect words in difficult moments but developing a skill you can practice beforehand. Using frameworks inspired by Nedra Glover Tawab's "Set Boundaries, Find Peace," we walk through how to prepare for boundary conversations, anticipate emotional reactions, and maintain your stance when faced with inevitable pushback. For those connecting with symbolic imagery, we examine how tarot cards like the Six of Pentacles, Seven of Wands, and Justice reflect different aspects of boundary work.

Start your boundary practice with small, manageable steps—perhaps not checking work emails after hours or asking for time before making decisions. Download our free worksheet to begin mapping your boundary scenarios and prepare language that honors both your needs and your relationships. Remember, boundaries aren't about building walls but creating the space where authentic connection can flourish. Your boundaries are your birthright—a powerful tool for reclaiming your energy and showing up as your truest self.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Blooming Wand, your home for grounded spiritual content. I'm Emily O'Neill, evidential psychic medium, intuitive healer and coach. The first thing I want to say is full moon blessings, friends, and welcome to our third and final installment of our three-part monthly series exploring the top themes that surface most consistently in my readings, mentoring sessions and five years of crafting full and new moon tarot curated insights. So if you've been listening along, you know that after five years, I've really been able to reflect on my experience at Blooming Wand and what I've been able to offer through this business, through this practice, which is both personal to me and also very personal to you, for those of you that work with me. And the three themes that we've explored are understanding what's essential, limiting beliefs and today our last and final topic, and a favorite of mine, are boundaries. In the past month we've explored some pretty big topics and this month we're going to explore another pretty big one, and you know me, I'm really trying to focus this content on ways to help you take practical action in your day-to-day life so that you can feel more fulfilled and in alignment with your intuitive self. Some of you have asked me how this connects to developing your psychic or mediumistic abilities and I can tell you boundaries are really important for that. But understanding your limiting beliefs are as well. But understanding your limiting beliefs are as well and leaning back into our first topic, knowing what's essential to you. You really need to know your why when you want to work as a psychic or medium, and I think part of that why is knowing what's essential to you. For me, it's essential to me to move with my intuition because it's my birthright, it's my wisdom, it's my connection not only to my inner wisdom but that of my ancestral lineage and my ancestral wisdom. And in addition to understanding my limiting beliefs, I had a lot of limiting beliefs around my psychic and mediumistic abilities, to the point where, when I was in training at the Oakbridge Institute, my first year of development was really bumping into those limiting beliefs and some of the things that I was telling myself about what I was capable of and what the importance of working as a psychic and medium was. And I had a lot of fearful, limiting beliefs that I had to address.

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And I always tell people that whether you're developing your intuition just for yourself or you're developing your psychic and mediumistic ability so that you can help not just yourself but others. It's 90% personal development and then 10% learning the tools and techniques and practicing them so that you can deliver like a high level of care to those you work with and just develop a consistent practice with yourself. So that's how I make the connection to those things, and I know that a lot of spiritual content out there focuses on more of the mystical components of psychism and mediumship and I think that's totally cool, totally fine, and maybe practicing using with intuitive exercises and stuff like that. In my journey, focusing on these practical things has actually been what has been most useful to me and it's what I love to share and offer to other people.

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We can't listen to our intuition if we don't know what's essential to us, if we don't address our limiting beliefs and if we don't set healthy boundaries. So let's dive into this month's theme, which is all about boundaries. Prentice Hemphill, the author of what it Takes to Heal, a book I highly recommend, describes boundaries as the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously, and I really love this idea. When we don't have healthy boundaries, not only are we not showing love to ourselves, but we limit our love for others as well, and an example of that is people pleasing. People pleasing is not only self-sacrificing, but it's actually a controlling behavior. If we can please others, we can control how they view us, and sometimes our people pleasing is actually stepping on other people's toes or not honoring their boundaries. So just something to kind of think about. Boundaries is a big one, and not that the other two topics that we've discussed aren't they're all really big topics but this is one that I literally didn't get. I heard people throw the word boundaries around everywhere in conversations on social media, in self-help context, and it seemed like everybody was talking about them, but I honestly didn't really understand what they were or how to embody them in my daily life.

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And then, as a part of my life coaching certification, I picked up Nedra Glover Tawab's Set Boundaries, find Peace, and everything shifted. What struck me wasn't just what Nedra said in her book, but how she presented it. Her approach gave me something I'd been missing, which was a clear, actionable framework that transformed boundaries from an overwhelming concept into manageable practical steps. And that's what I'm all about here at Blooming Wand is like manageable practical steps that we can apply in our daily life that don't feel incredibly overwhelming. They might bring up some discomfort and we might have some self-work to do, but hopefully they don't, aren't as overwhelming or don't feel intangible, because boundaries was one of those things I was like I hear that, but I had no sense of how to apply that in my day-to-day life, and I wonder if that's true for you too.

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Now the breakthrough came when I realized that I'd been approaching boundaries all wrong. Well, frankly, I didn't have any and I was waiting for like the perfect moment or the right words to magically appear when I needed them to like address a situation. But instead Nedra's framework showed me that boundary setting is a skill that you can practice and prepare for, and that was the big game changer for me, because I would definitely find myself in situations where I would feel like you know, something isn't right for me, or I didn't want to do something, or you can feel when your boundaries are being pushed on. You definitely feel it in your body, but I didn't have the words for how to express my needs in the moment. And so the book which I listened to and practice some of her exercises out loud in the mirror which really helped was when I realized in the mirror. Which really helped was when I realized like, oh my gosh, I can practice this before actually happens in my real life. And then, because I've practiced it, I'll have a little bit more confidence in saying what I kind of need to say in the moment.

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A lot of times I wouldn't even realize I needed to say something or set a boundary until like way after the fact where I'd find myself doing things I didn't really want to do and I'm like why didn't I say anything? Oh no, and I feel like this practice and working with this, doing boundary work, closed that gap a little bit and made me be more able to take action in the moment when the situation was actually happening. So the practicing and preparing for moments when I'll need to set a boundary, that was what changed everything for me and it's why I created the worksheet that accompanies this episode. I wanted to capture that aha moment and make it accessible for my own growth, but also for anyone else who felt stuck in boundary setting limbo. So what made this framework different?

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So what made Nedra's framework feel different? Because I definitely had seen other boundary stuff. Maybe it was just the right time in my life, but I do think it is like it was just such a simple book and it was so simple I was like, oh my gosh, there was no fluffy words or anything like that. She was like this is the scenario, this is how you can deal with it. So her framework made boundaries feel accessible instead of a big, scary thing that I had to figure out in the moment, and it made me realize I could break it down into steps and practice them ahead of time. It honored the emotional reality.

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The framework acknowledges that setting boundaries brings up feelings of guilt, fear and anxiety, and that's normal. It doesn't try to bypass these emotions but gives you tools to work with them. It prepared me for pushback, which was huge for me. I'd set a boundary and then crumble the moment someone challenged it, and having a framework that anticipated that, once you set a boundary, that it will likely be pushed upon, that people will respond to that, especially if you've never had any kind of boundaries or spoken up for your needs before, people will be like what the heck? And then they might kind of challenge your boundary, and it prepared me for that and helped me to anticipate that. There are definitely certain people in my life where I know that's going to happen and now I know how to handle that.

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The other thing that I want to add is like she helped me to realize that boundaries aren't telling people like I'm setting this boundary with you and this is my boundary. It was saying things like the example that sticks out in my mind from the book is like if somebody's yelling or using intense language or profanity, the boundary is you just say in that moment I don't stay in conversations with people who are yelling at me and using profanity, and then you know the other person can either take change course and if they don't, you just walk away. Right, you don't say I have a boundary that I don't stay, you know, right, you don't say I have a boundary that I don't stay, you know that's not. You just say in the moment, like I'm not going to do that, and if you keep doing it I'm going to walk away. And then you do, and I won't lie that that felt like I was like but that's mean, or how could I do that to someone I care about? Because, let's be real, most of the time we need to set boundaries with friends, co-workers, colleagues, bosses, family and we don't want to hurt them, and this is why I really like Prentice Hemp Hill's idea or concept around boundaries as the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Boundaries really are a form of self-love and actually care for community and others. Right, we don't function very well when we're not having healthy boundaries.

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How do you know when you need to work on your boundaries? Sometimes the need for boundaries just frankly isn't obvious. It shows up as a general sense of overwhelm, resentment or feeling like you're constantly giving more than you're receiving. Those are some signs, but here are some signs that boundary work might be calling to you. You feel drained after certain interactions. If you consistently leave conversations or situations feeling depleted rather than energized, it might be a sign that your boundaries need attention. Here's a big one that I did.

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When you say yes, when you want to say no, this classic boundary issue often comes with a side of resentment. You agree to things you don't really want to do and then feel frustrated later. My frustration was often for myself. When I do this, it's like why didn't I just say no? Was often for myself. When I do this, I was like why didn't I just say no? And then I'm mad at myself.

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Another example is you feel responsible for other people's emotions. Omg, this is a big one. If you find yourself constantly managing how others feel or walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting somebody. Healthy boundaries can help you take responsibility for your own emotional well-being without carrying everyone else's. We are not responsible for other people's emotions, reactions, behaviors. A lot of times we feel that we are, but we're not, and this was this is something I'm still working on. Actually, to be honest with you, it doesn't come up as much as it used to, but it definitely is something that I have to be mindful of, and I'm sure there'll be some of these examples that you guys will really resonate with. They'll be like yep, I do that.

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So another way you might know that you need to work on your boundaries is you struggle with guilt when you prioritize your needs. Need to work on your boundaries is you struggle with guilt when you prioritize your needs? Taking time for yourself, saying no to requests or choosing your preferences over others shouldn't feel like a moral failing, but if it does, boundary work can help. If you feel like you're constantly on for others, if you find it hard to relax or be yourself because you're always considering what others need from you, boundaries can help you reclaim your energy and authenticity. Relationships feel one-sided when you're always the one reaching out, helping or accommodating, without reciprocal energy.

Speaker 1:

Boundaries can help restore the balance, and one of the other things that really stood out to me in Set Boundaries, find Peace is if you set a boundary or you're like actively practicing boundaries in your day-to-day life and people push up against them. Those are the people you really need to hold your boundaries, with All the more reason to keep them. And also some people just might not like the version of you. That's like taking care of your needs and actively practicing boundaries in your life and they may walk away and that's okay. You might find yourself feeling like maybe this person isn't really for me anymore because they don't respect my boundaries, but that doesn't have to be the case. Remember, like you can put yourself in situations where you can be successful with certain people in certain circumstances. So and again, that putting yourself in situations where you can be successful with them is, in and of itself, practicing boundaries. If you know that you like to be with a friend one on one, but not in a group setting because of certain things that maybe happen in a group setting, then just hang out with them one-on-one and tell them like I just prefer to hang out with you one-on-one. No big deal, right? So the beautiful thing is that recognizing patterns the patterns in your life where maybe you need to set boundaries is the first step towards change, and you don't have to figure it out all at once. You just need to start noticing where your energy goes and how it feels to be you in your relationships, like fully you, not you taking on everybody else's emotions or behaviors or feelings.

Speaker 1:

Now, reading Nedra's book was the beginning beginning. But the real transformation happened when I started applying her framework in my own life and I began mapping out specific boundary scenarios, practicing the conversations and preparing for my own internal reactions. I also talk about this a lot with my therapist and my other healers and helpers that I engage with. Is you're going to constantly be refining your boundaries. There's always an opportunity to find a way to more clearly act upon and in support of your needs, which is why I created a worksheet that takes this approach and structures it in a way that's become invaluable to my own boundary work. It's not about having all the answers. It's about having a process that supports you through the inevitable challenge that come with honoring your needs.

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Now you know me, I love tarot, I love oracle cards and I've spent years talking about these topics, especially the three in the series, through the lens of symbolic imagery theories through the lens of symbolic imagery. So I wanted to talk about some of the cards. I have a couple of them here that really I think can represent boundaries. So for those of you who connect with the tarot, you might recognize the energy of boundary work reflected in lots of cards from the tarot and I'm just referring to the Smith-Waite tarot deck, and there's more examples in this but the three that came to my mind were the Six of Pentacles, the Seven of Wands and the Justice Cards. These archetypal images offer beautiful visual metaphors for the boundary journey that we are all navigating. The Six of Pentacles shows us the delicate balance of giving and receiving. The figure in the center holds the scales, deciding who receives and how much, which is a perfect representation of healthy boundaries around resources, time and energy. This card reminds us that we can be generous while still maintaining control over what we give and to whom.

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The Seven of Wands depicts a figure standing their ground against opposition staff in hand, wand in hand, defending their position from a higher vantage point. This is basically boundary maintenance in action. It's the moment when you need to hold firm against pushback, criticism or attempts to abandon your limits. The figure isn't attacking, they're simply defending what's theirs their peace. Maybe Now the justice card sits with her sword and scales, or their sword and scales, embodying the principle of fair exchange and clear consequences.

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This card represents the necessity of boundaries for maintaining balance in relationships. That's how I interpret it. It can mean other things, but sometimes, when we're looking at relationships or life experience, the justice card can appear, and I always interpret it literally. You need to do yourself justice. You need to honor your needs and speak up for yourself. Justice doesn't apologize for her decisions. She weighs what's fair and acts accordingly, just as we must when we set and maintain our own limits.

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Now these cards remind us that boundaries aren't about building walls. That's not it at all. They're about creating conscious, balanced relationships within ourselves and others. When these energies show up in your readings, they might be inviting you to examine where you need clearer limits or encouraging you to stand firm in the boundaries that you've already set. Now I'm going to be sure to include pictures of these cards in the newsletter and on the blog. Again, don't forget to sign up for the newsletter at bloomingonecom. That is my primary communication tool for the Blooming One community. Don't forget that you can also follow the podcast, subscribe on all your favorite streaming platforms and like and follow along on the YouTube channel.

Speaker 1:

Now let's get to your boundary journey. If you're someone who gets boundaries conceptually but struggles with the practical application, you are not alone. This shift from understanding to embodying often requires a bridge and framework that makes the abstract concrete. Whether you use my worksheet, dive into Nedra's book or find another approach that resonates with you, the key is moving from thinking about boundaries to practicing them. Your relationships, your peace of mind and your authentic self are definitely worth the investment. And all the worksheets in this entire three-month series are going to be in my shop at bloomingonecom. Just go to the. You go to bloomingonecom, explore, and then I have, like this freebie section where you can download them. I'm going to keep them up there, you know, for a while, but not forever, because I have other things, other tools that I will eventually be putting up there. But you know, I just want to say that the worksheets really bring these episodes home so that you can see a tangible practical process that you can apply in your day-to-day life to bring you back home to yourself, to honor your authentic self, and I really that is really my prayer and hope for you and those of you that have been following along with this three-part installment. It's worth it.

Speaker 1:

This is stuff that I return to again and again and again, and I really honestly never get tired of it, because when I'm working on these things in my self-care and spiritual practices, there's just an endless amount to learn about myself, why I'm doing the things that I'm doing, how I can come to know myself more. It's my belief. There's only one person I can truly know, and that's me. And that's a big part of why we're here is to tend to this soul and to this body while we have it. I wanted to say a quote. Let's see if I can find it. I took a picture of it. It's a Pablo Neruda quote, that kind of talks to like why, why do we do this work? And I feel like it's. It's great for not just ourselves, but it does ripple out into the world and at the end of the day, we don't own anything right, we're just, we're here and one day we're going to be gone, but hopefully we've done things that have set a good example for others, shown and demonstrated how to give and receive love.

Speaker 1:

I really do feel like that's the point of it all is to love and be loved. And this quote that was preparing this episode I saw it and I don't feel like it was an accident is from Pablo Neruda and it's called Dying Into Now and it says in the end everyone is aware of this. Nobody keeps any of what he has and life is only a borrowing of bones. And if we think about those bones, there are bones that were created by thousands of people that came before you and that you're the result. To borrow from Linda Howe's words, you're the result of the love of thousands and that love lives on through you and we can weave it into the world.

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And you might think what the heck does this have to do with boundaries Everything? It has everything to do with boundaries. Boundaries are the way to show love to yourself and a way to love others. When we don't have healthy boundaries, we don't have healthy relationships, and we want to cultivate healthy relationship within our families and in our communities and with the people that we interact with, even if they're just at work. By the way, nedra has another book I think it's called Drama Free, where she talks more about family boundaries. And set boundaries to find peace is great, and that book dives into having healthy boundaries at work, which is a big one for a lot of my clients, you know, knowing how to set boundaries with your boss, for example. So very practical tools.

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Now here's a little practice you can think about this week and you can use the worksheet which is available on the website. If you get the newsletter, you can just click the link but choose one small boundary you've been wanting to set, and it doesn't have to be like earth shattering. Start small. Ooh, a turkey vulture just flew right through the yard. Cool, sorry, I was just so close, I couldn't help but notice it. So anyway, back to what I was saying. So the boundary doesn't have to be earth shattering. Maybe it's not checking work emails after 8pm you know that's kind of late. Maybe you don't check work emails after you leave work, or asking for 10 minutes to think before you give somebody an answer.

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That one was a really helpful one for me, because people would ask me stuff and I'd be like feel like I had to answer right away, and I'm a person that will probably, if I answer right away, people please first. So being like, oh you know, let me, let me get back to you on that. I need to think, think about it was really helpful. So use whatever framework feels supportive to you to think through what you want to communicate, how you'll handle your own emotions and what you'll do if someone pushes back. And remember the goal isn't to become a boundary setting robot. It's to develop the skills and confidence to honor your needs while maintaining your relationships and your sense of self. So I bet you know what I'm going to say, what I always say take good care of yourselves, get those journals out and I'll see you soon.